Separation & Scandal

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Separation & Scandal

I’ve been to a few weird auctions in my time, mostly the result of feral and unruly members of the public, however an auction last year in Safety Beach was another experience all together.

Held in July at 11:00AM it was bloody freezing, wet and just plain shitty.

I was greeted at the front door by the selling agent from, will I mention the agency? better not, you can look it up anyway if you want; who proceeded to tell me that he was getting divorced; this was his house and he needed to sell it today to pay his ex-wife out. Nice one I thought, having been divorced myself and losing my family home in the process I can empathise; however, I didn’t feel he needed to broadcast the fact to a total stranger. He then went on to tell me he must get high $700’s or he’s screwed. I wondered if he was spinning the same line to the ladies visiting the property or if this was just for the single men and he had a whole other sob story for the finer sex.

As the crowd grew and for such a cold morning it was a good crowd; the story began to flesh out. He looked anxious.  Supporting him were the younger breed of agent; dressed as if they’re going to the races, tight fitting light blue suites, brown pointed shoes and hair sticking up like Simon Le Bon without the looks. Juxtaposed; the crowd in trackies, sweatshirts and Saturday morning can’t be xxxxed clothes.

By stealth a 3-series white BMW pulled up onto the nature strip.  Two blonde mutton dressed up as lamb, middle 40’s types conversing in the front seat convinced; everyone was looking at them in awe. I just had to check the number plate and make sure it didn’t read MILF. A small group, of the more beautiful looking set, had taken up position across the road, kissing each other’s cheeks and fake hugs not to crinkle the designer jacket.  The MILFS (NOT) in the bemmer waving back and smiling through collagen filled lips and white painted teeth. They stood a distance away from the peasants which included me, pointing behind backs and whispering to each other as if everything they said was worth some jewel only they knew about. I’m sure you know the type; honestly do these people know just how ridiculous they look, or do they look at themselves in the mirror and say “Wow you’re so Hot”.

10-minutes past the scheduled auction time; the agent called the gathering together. I’m not sure if it was a sales tactic or the guy had just lost his dignity, which can happen when going through a marriage breakdown, and after what I had just witnessed with the BMW set, clearly his ex-wife and her “support crew” my heart did go out to him, for just a second. He opened proceedings by informing the crowd that he would like to thank the vendors; himself and his ex-wife for employing himself to conduct the marketing and auction of folio number blah blah better known as xxxx in Safety Beach. Continuing with the description of the home he managed to point out the entertaining deck to the north side of the property, where alias no entertaining was happening anymore due to the split up of he and his ex-wife. Ladies and gentlemen a reserve has been set but what the reserve is and when the property will be declared on the market will depend on his “ex-wife”; I counted 11 references to his ex-wife in the 5-minute home evaluation before he called for an opening bid; it was starting to get sad.

 A bid of $600,000, a genuine start and I could see his head drop. By looking at his staff and his ex-wife this guy is used to people just falling over with their legs in the air. “I’ll take $20K rises” he announced. The crowd went a tad quiet, $620k came then $640k then $660k okay this is moving; A further bid of $670k – “please guys give me $20K rises I don’t want to have to go up in $10K” he said. Nope the holding bidder was not going to accommodate his request and after a bit of a cry for help, “this guys’ a sook” the man standing next to me said and I nodded in agreement a further $10K came and then another; the home had reached $690K.

 Everything stalled; two bidders, home stuck on $690K about 100 grand short of where he wanted it and he looked desperate. He began the story again, his ex-wife, his life and it worked, a new bidder chimed in at $700K and the bids began coming this time in $5K rises getting the property to $725K between an original bidder and a new bidder. A new bidder jumped in now and the property edged higher in $5K and $2.5K bids before $1K and $500 bids took over and it reached $742,500. “Please folks we’re not going to get a deal done at this price” “My ex-wife” Yep he said it again, eyes darting to the small gathering across the road of try hard fashionistas.

Bang out of nowhere a new bidder emerged and went straight for the throat $760K he declared. A middle-aged man, wife in toe and two teenage boys, he hadn’t said a word since the auction started; dressed as if they’d all just got out of bed; all eyes went on him and his brood. Nothing more came; the agent pleaded with the crowd, but this was done and dusted, the holding bid had the rights to deal. I’ll need to refer to the vendor “my ex-wife” he mentioned for the 15th time. As he went inside the pack from across road, balancing on high heels, slightly tripping over their own shadows ensuring someone in the crowd had noticed them; straining against the tight fitting black jeans; began crabbing across the road, flicking their hair and wearing the darkest of sunglasses even though the photons of light breaking through the dark clouds overhead was enough to send a game of international cricket back to the sheds. I counted at least 6 wannabe MILF’s enter the home, plus the agent and a few other folks that just didn’t make sense. The crowd stayed and waited; and waited and waited. The gentleman next to me asked if this was some sort of joke; I hope so I replied, as we felt like we’d been left behind the ropes at a night club.

It was cold and standing still in the cold just makes it even colder, a good 10 minutes had past, and 10 minutes is a long time when you’re standing still, holding a baby or generally just waiting which is what these jokers were making the crowd do. You could see the ex-wife, the agent, the entourage all through the window standing by the open fire in the lounge room everyone offering an opinion of some sort and heads nodding up and down and side to side. Fair dinkum man you selling or not? Is the house on the market? Give it a crack and get this over and done with one way or another, right now you’re losing this crowd, frustration is growing, and everybody’s had enough of the “Housewife’s of Safety Beach” show.

 Finally, after 15-minutes of discussion; the selling agent emerged from the warm heated home to the crowd of Eskimo’s with icicle’s forming from the end of their noses. “Sir confirming your bid $760K” Yes came the reply. “We cannot sell the home to you at this price, but you can; if you want, see us afterwards” if there is no more bidding I will be passing the home in” he again called for bids, but this was over now; the crowd deflated; hands in pockets and dancing from one foot to another just to keep the blood circulating. “Okay we won’t have a sale today, my ex-wife and her supporters” Man please don’t keep saying it I said to myself; have decided that the price is not adequate for what she needs”. And with that the crowd left.

This was without doubt the most unprofessional, condescending display of real estate selling I have ever witnessed.  Having the vendors outside in the crowd is such an obvious display of bad character. It was no surprise the home didn’t sell; it wasn’t worth the money he was asking and trying to make people feel sorrow for him to up their bids, well it doesn’t say much. The added theatre of the MILF set was worthy of a rotten tomatoes review. Really when you’re real estate agent and can’t sell your own home how can you say you can sell someone else’s. Leave me out!!!. 

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